I need you to understand something:

That love is not California weather.

Love should not be cloudy for weeks and then,

suddenly,

unexpectedly sunny.

Maybe for you,

but not for me.

Because I deserve consistency.

I deserve to believe in simple things

like a 3-letter sentence.

I deserve more than what I accept.

To receive the love I give.

I deserve to be chosen first,

just once,

by someone other than myself.

I need you to understand something:

I didn’t just stop loving you.

I loved you

Oh, how I did.

I loved you more than I loved myself,

and I thought myself selfless and honorable

But I wasn’t. I was stupid.

I was selfish, rather,

For forcing my heart to love someone

When my mind knew that love could never

Would never

be returned.

I didn’t just stop loving you.

I used to tell people how I never cry.

Not over sad movies or family deaths.

But I drained my body of all its tears

the day you let me walk out of your life.

I didn’t just stop loving you.

I call myself a feminist,

A strong and independent woman.

Relying on no man.

But when I try to think of a future without you

I see nothing but blackness.

I didn’t just stop loving you.

Even when I knew you belonged to her,

I could convince my foolish mind that I mattered more.

Because I couldn’t allow myself to know

That I didn’t matter at all.

I didn’t just stop loving you.

I just realized,

In the end,

That you never loved me at all.

Not in the same way.

I didn’t just stop loving you.

But eventually

I just started to love myself more.

And no, I don’t love him,

Or him, or him.

Although they are nice,

I don’t.

Not in the same way.

I didn’t just stop loving you.

But heartbreak, I have learned,

is like weening oneself off of a drug.

Little by little,

I’ll be okay.

As if I had never met you,

Maybe better.

I’ll find a different version of love,

Just within someone else.

But for now,

I need you to understand something.

I didn’t just stop loving you.

Nor do I know how I ever will.

For you showed me how to love,

And I discovered love could kill.

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